Confessions of a Conscript, Disclosures of an Historian: An Autohistoriographical Essay

• Published in: Life writing 2019-10, Vol.16 (4), p.513-526
• Main Author: Baines, Gary
• Format: Article
• Language: English
• Subjects: Border War; Conscript; South African Defence Force; veteran
• ISSN: 1448-4528; 1751-2964
• DOI: 10.1080/14484528.2019.1633457

At the age of 18, I was drafted in to the South African Defence Force. I was a reluctant conscript who became increasingly uneasy in the knowledge that I was being trained to defend the apartheid system. I was deployed on the Namibian-Angolan border in the very early phase of what came to be known as the 'Border War'. About 30 years later, I began to write about the war in my capacity as a professional historian. While I sought to produce scholarly work on the subject, I realised that my personal experience of having served in the army informed my approach to writing about the 'Border War'. Indeed, I was persuaded by Simon Schama's view that 'all history tends towards autobiographical confession'. Like a confession, my 'Border War' project seeks to recuperate my sense of self-worth. To this end, this autohistoriographical essay about the 'Border War' explores the interstices of experiential knowledge and academic expertise. It seeks to come to terms with my embodiment as a veteran, with the modalities of memory that define my experience of military service and attempt to ascertain how these might have influenced my approach to the history of the 'Border War'.